The Food Pyramid according to M&N

My kids are driving me crazy with their insane food requests, so today is a perfect day for this blog entry. For lunch today, Matt requested strip cheese, Macaroni & Cheese, and yogurt. When I told him maybe he should cool it on the dairy, he looked at me incredulously and said “But I didn’t ask for milk, I want juice.” Me. Banging my head against the wall.

So, admittedly, I did steal this super-awesome chart from my favorite daddy blogger: howtobeadad.com.  And I always give credit where credit is due. But you have to admit it, this food pyramid is great:

Now if you think this food pyramid is awesome, know that it isn’t even complete without this glorious explanation (of course, also from howtobeadad.com):

Today, for your reading entertainment, I will explain MY children’s interpretation of said food pyramid.

NATE (my oldest and better eater, if any kid could actually be considered to be a good eater): Nate primarily consumes from the “Yummy” group. I have never seen the kid refuse a slice of pizza, cheeseburger, Dorito, hot dog or chicken nugget. His birthday is coming up this week and I guarantee you he is going to request a trip to his favorite restaurant: Burger King. However, I must admit, Nate does consume from the other food groups. His second largest food group is “Chocolate.” Personally, I think it’s a crime that they sell chocolate milk at his school cafeteria. I have asked him repeatedly to buy white milk instead and he looks at me as if I suggested he throw his dad’s hard-earned money in the crapper. Probably his third most consumed food group is a tie between “Beverage” and “Portable.” He’s a really big fan of Lunchables, which he packs for lunch on the few days the school is not selling something from the “Yummy” group.  Oddly enough, the kid will eat  green beans (although some might say that’s part of the “Breath & Gas” group) and artichokes (I still haven’t figured that one out.). I am the mom that orders Kentucky Fried Chicken and always gets the side of green beans, thinking I am doing a service to my child: hah! Favorite expression (upon coming home from school): “Can I have something for a snack that’s not healthy?” followed by a “please?”

MATT (my youngest who barely eats at all and should be scientifically studied for his rare ability to turn air into caloric content): I’ll be fair, as mentioned earlier, Matt primarily consumes from the actual “Dairy” group: Milk, Cheese, Yogurt (must be Yoplait Dora or Diego yogurt and can never, never, never have any fruit bits in it), Ice Cream,  Butter, Cream Cheese, Cheese Puffs, Cheese Nips and Malted “Milk” Duds. Matt leaves a trail of odiferous gas wherever he goes: I can pick my child’s farts out of smell line-up. Matt’s second largest food group is “Condiment, ” particularly ketchup and ranch dressing. Ronald Reagan once made a big deal out of insisting ketchup was a vegetable (My take: 1. You’re really stretching. 2. It’s a fruit. and 3. This is another reason I don’t vote Republican.). And did you know if you buy the Hunt’s brand supposedly it had no high fructose corn syrup? Matt will eat whole ketchup and ranch packets if you don’t stop him. Matt’s third most consumed food group, like his brother, is a tie, but his is between “Portable” and “Gross.” Yes, gross. Mostly boogers, but also ABC gum. I won’t give him any “fresh and un-used” gum because, like his toothpaste, he still swallows it (Toothpaste is part of the condiment group. You dip your toothbrush into it.). So I’ve caught him on several occasions chewing and swallowing other people’s gum. Ick. Favorite expression (with a suspicious look): “Does this have vegetables in it?”

So, I suppose it could be worse. Unlike most parents, I have never had to take my boys to the hospital for consumption from the “Inedible” group. However, my cooking talents are being wasted as neither child will eat from the “I Will Not Eat This” group.Well, actually, Nate will take one bite, refuse a second, then spend a half hour lecturing his brother that he should eat what I make and how can any of us possibly ever go to Disney World if he won’t eat healthy foods, grow taller, and get off the midget-mobile?

So, if you can relate, please feel free to comment. Better yet, feel free to share stories worse than mine, especially if you think you are due something more than the consolation prize. Me, I’m off to consume from the “Liquors & Spirits” group.