“We were supposed to have chicken…”

Real-Life Murphy’s Law #2295:  The disheartening realization that, only the night before, your husband and sons have consumed as a snack, the non-snack ingredient you purposely set aside to use in tonight’s dinner recipe that, undoubtedly, they would not have liked anyway.

Hot “Fun” in the Summer

Reflective Math Thought by Amy #2285:


Going after the watch your kid flushed = Wading  in the local kiddie pool

Pray for quality swim diapers

Tighty Whiteys

Reflective Thoughts by Amy #2275: Women have little boys so that, on days of extreme heat, they can run around in their tighty whiteys and it looks totally cute. As opposed to when their husbands do it and it looks downright scary.

The Food Pyramid according to M&N

My kids are driving me crazy with their insane food requests, so today is a perfect day for this blog entry. For lunch today, Matt requested strip cheese, Macaroni & Cheese, and yogurt. When I told him maybe he should cool it on the dairy, he looked at me incredulously and said “But I didn’t ask for milk, I want juice.” Me. Banging my head against the wall.

So, admittedly, I did steal this super-awesome chart from my favorite daddy blogger: howtobeadad.com.  And I always give credit where credit is due. But you have to admit it, this food pyramid is great:

Now if you think this food pyramid is awesome, know that it isn’t even complete without this glorious explanation (of course, also from howtobeadad.com):

Today, for your reading entertainment, I will explain MY children’s interpretation of said food pyramid.

NATE (my oldest and better eater, if any kid could actually be considered to be a good eater): Nate primarily consumes from the “Yummy” group. I have never seen the kid refuse a slice of pizza, cheeseburger, Dorito, hot dog or chicken nugget. His birthday is coming up this week and I guarantee you he is going to request a trip to his favorite restaurant: Burger King. However, I must admit, Nate does consume from the other food groups. His second largest food group is “Chocolate.” Personally, I think it’s a crime that they sell chocolate milk at his school cafeteria. I have asked him repeatedly to buy white milk instead and he looks at me as if I suggested he throw his dad’s hard-earned money in the crapper. Probably his third most consumed food group is a tie between “Beverage” and “Portable.” He’s a really big fan of Lunchables, which he packs for lunch on the few days the school is not selling something from the “Yummy” group.  Oddly enough, the kid will eat  green beans (although some might say that’s part of the “Breath & Gas” group) and artichokes (I still haven’t figured that one out.). I am the mom that orders Kentucky Fried Chicken and always gets the side of green beans, thinking I am doing a service to my child: hah! Favorite expression (upon coming home from school): “Can I have something for a snack that’s not healthy?” followed by a “please?”

MATT (my youngest who barely eats at all and should be scientifically studied for his rare ability to turn air into caloric content): I’ll be fair, as mentioned earlier, Matt primarily consumes from the actual “Dairy” group: Milk, Cheese, Yogurt (must be Yoplait Dora or Diego yogurt and can never, never, never have any fruit bits in it), Ice Cream,  Butter, Cream Cheese, Cheese Puffs, Cheese Nips and Malted “Milk” Duds. Matt leaves a trail of odiferous gas wherever he goes: I can pick my child’s farts out of smell line-up. Matt’s second largest food group is “Condiment, ” particularly ketchup and ranch dressing. Ronald Reagan once made a big deal out of insisting ketchup was a vegetable (My take: 1. You’re really stretching. 2. It’s a fruit. and 3. This is another reason I don’t vote Republican.). And did you know if you buy the Hunt’s brand supposedly it had no high fructose corn syrup? Matt will eat whole ketchup and ranch packets if you don’t stop him. Matt’s third most consumed food group, like his brother, is a tie, but his is between “Portable” and “Gross.” Yes, gross. Mostly boogers, but also ABC gum. I won’t give him any “fresh and un-used” gum because, like his toothpaste, he still swallows it (Toothpaste is part of the condiment group. You dip your toothbrush into it.). So I’ve caught him on several occasions chewing and swallowing other people’s gum. Ick. Favorite expression (with a suspicious look): “Does this have vegetables in it?”

So, I suppose it could be worse. Unlike most parents, I have never had to take my boys to the hospital for consumption from the “Inedible” group. However, my cooking talents are being wasted as neither child will eat from the “I Will Not Eat This” group.Well, actually, Nate will take one bite, refuse a second, then spend a half hour lecturing his brother that he should eat what I make and how can any of us possibly ever go to Disney World if he won’t eat healthy foods, grow taller, and get off the midget-mobile?

So, if you can relate, please feel free to comment. Better yet, feel free to share stories worse than mine, especially if you think you are due something more than the consolation prize. Me, I’m off to consume from the “Liquors & Spirits” group.

Tom Thievery

Why parents drink leaded coffee.

Here’s to us!

For all my loyal, mommy-readers out there:

http://www.americangreetings.com/ecards/mothers-day/family/pn/3120572
I promise this one is worth the cut & paste!

Hope your day is special — and doesn’t involve cleaning up any strange-smelling, unknown substances from your childrens’ bedrooms or underwear. 😉

Slow & Steady wins the Race

As many of you know, our family recently attended the Jeep Jamboree in Western Kentucky, near Cadiz. Mostly a wonderful time was had by all, but the Jeep Jamboree in and of itself has nothing to do with the theme of this blog. This picture, however, does:

First of all, I’ll admit I stretched the hell out of this picture so my birthing hips and thighs wouldn’t look quite as big. But that’s not important here. What’s important is my boys are paying attention to me. Both of them. Together. At the same time. Listening. To me. I’m not sure if Denny threatened them with the Gods of War, a pitch off one of the many cliffs on the trail, or taking away their snacks and portable DVD player while off-roading. And I don’t really care. The point is, I had undivided attention from both of them — at the same time — for, like, 30 seconds.

And no, the good behavior didn’t continue, lest this would be a model parenting blog instead of a humorous one. No… it pretty much went downhill (pun intended) from the above picture during staging, before we proceed to the trails. Don’t believe me? Here:

That’s one dirty, sweaty kid trying to decide if he should follow his dad to the far-off tree or just whip down his pants right there in front of everybody, including the camera. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be one with the trees. Oh and he ran screaming from the port-a-potty at the start of the trails. At the most exciting point of our trip — during which Denny was whiter than usual and I was actually doing the stations of the cross, despite not even being Catholic —  Matt was napping.

Actually, I just spoke with the hubs and he told me the other picture I wanted to share was actually a video, which he had to erase to make room for more awesome off-roading footage. But the gist of it was Nate see-sawing on a downed limb, very sure he wanted to be one with the trees. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Ignoring my pleas to respect the woods, while I watched out for the “green police.” I believe at one point Denny wondered aloud what would happen if he threw himself on the unattended side of the limb. Nate’s always wanted to fly.

Anyhoo, for those of you who actually landed on my blog in search of Jeep Jamboree stuff (and not the absolute funniest parenting blog on the web), feel free to do some cuttin’ & pastin’ and check out my public photos on facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.3792260015861.159583.1557965925&type=3&l=51aa26f835

And for those of you who landed here in search of some great “Ask Amy” sarcasm: Ask me a question already! Going through a dry spell on my utterly useless advice…