Wallpaper Bordering on Hell, Take 2

I will try to make this brief, as this is most certainly a parenting humor blog and not a decorating one. (Ah… hell… who am I kidding. I make nothing brief, except trips to the grocery when my kids are in tow. But when it comes to words, I usually have quite a lot to say.)

Speaking of kids, they have a place in this post, which I should have more appropriately titled:

The Top 10 Things I Learned When Trying to Put Up a Wallpaper Border.

10. The kids will offer to help. By help this means sitting on the top of the bunk beds, picking their toes, and asking “Mom, are you done yet? We want to play with you!” Once I asked for assistance moving the water and brush closer to the ladder (You remember the rickety thing I discussed in the first post?). Nate informed me he was too short to assist and Matt yawned and said he was too tired.

9. If you swear while trying to put up a wallpaper border, your kids will run next door to the neighbors on the pretext of playing legos, but they’ll really just want to tell the neighbor’s kids what you just said. They may even use the same voice inflection.

8. Inform someone older than 7 of what you are doing, in case you fall and break something and can’t get to a phone. Unless you’re really old. Then you can just press the panic button on your “help I’ve fallen and can’t get up” necklace. Oh and by the way there are better ways to get your insurance to pay for a hip replacement.

7. Wallpaper border glue is sticky. It burns your eyes. It smells bad. It tastes bad. It’s B-A-D. Take frequent breaks for some fresh air. Don’t be a dim-wit and huff off the wallpaper glue. My sources say whip-its are better and I think you can buy them on E-Bay now…

6. Liquid nourishment is absolutely necessary when attempting to put up a wallpaper border. I chose a Diet Sunkist. A Diet Coke or Pepsi would have been a wiser choice. With rum in it. Poured over my head. So it would stick in the glue.

5. The amount of wallpaper border that falls down is inversely proportional to the amount of border you attempted to hang. Let me make this more clear. The border I chose was kind of divided into squares, see:

So, for example, if I attempted to hang 3 squares at once, 6 squares would fall down when I was finished. If you remember basic Algebra, then folks you know that results in a negative number. That’s why Wallpaper Bordering on Hell took all day instead of a few hours, by the end of which I was drinking wallpaper water and using Diet Sunkist as a paste.

 

4. Move your kids s**t, errr, toys, to the center of the room before beginning. Not in the middle of the project when your hands and the Percy Pillow Pet are covered in glue. I am still sleeping with Percy. It’s the most action I’ve had in weeks.

3. Take down the window treatment hardware before it’s in your way. Not while balancing on the “f**k I just fell and broke my arm” ladder from the 1970s, with a screwdriver in one hand, Percy glued to the other, and a bowl of congealed wallpaper water on the paint tray.

2. Don’t use Pandora for your background musical inspiration. When the music stops and you get the annoying “Are you still listening” button that you have to push, you will still be at the top of the ladder. Perhaps dry-humping Percy. Or stabbing him with the screwdriver.

And finally, the number one thing I learned while attempting to hang a wallpaper border
1. If your husband suggests something might be a little difficult, take this one moment in your marriage to agree with him. Then bat your eyes at him, put a cold Sam Adams in his hands, and follow up the “You’re right” comment with the “You ARE the (gullible) man. Would you please show me how it’s done?” suggestion (demand).

In conclusion, the wallpaper border is up. Matt does like it. It did not fall down during the night. No kids or pugs were harmed during the making of this project. At least not permanently…

~The end~

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