20 things every mom should tell her son(s)

I stole this off Facebook. The original wording, which is supposed to be sugary-sweet, is in plain text. But then I took my usual sarcasm and parenting awesome-ness and added my own touch with the bold, italic comments. Love it or get lost…

TWENTY THINGS A MOM SHOULD TELL HER SON

1. Play a sport. It will teach you how to win honorably, lose gracefully, respect authority, work with others, manage your time and stay out of trouble. And maybe even throw or catch.

And it will give me a chance to put my stylin’ mini-van to good use. Hauling smelly sports equipment. And smelly friends. For God’s sake, do your friends ever bathe?

2. You will set the tone for the sexual relationship, so don’t take something away from her that you can’t give back.

Every time you have sex with your girlfriend, think to yourself:  “Could I raise a baby with this girl?” Because your mom sure as hell isn’t going to do it for you!

3. Use careful aim when you pee. Somebody’s got to clean that up, you know.

And it will be me. Which sucks. Your father won’t do it: You learned your piss-poor aim from him.

4. Save money when you’re young because you’re going to need it someday.

By the time you’re ready for college, your father and I won’t be able to afford to send you. And you ARE going. Or at least moving out at 18. And let’s face it: You’re not going to get a scholarship, ’cause you only got half my genes.

5. Allow me to introduce you to the dishwasher, oven, washing machine, iron, vacuum, mop and broom. Now please go use them.

You break them, you replace them. Momma wants a new gas range. And I really don’t care if your clothes are all pink.

6. Pray and be a spiritual leader.

And please try to get along with your brother. Try to forget that Cain & Abel story you learned about at church.

7. Don’t ever be a bully and don’t ever start a fight, but if some idiot clocks you, please defend yourself.

Start out trying to be “Christian-ly” to the class bully. When that doesn’t work, ignore him. When that doesn’t work and mom gets tired of visiting the principal, follow dad’s advice and just “deck the little b**tard. ( A couple days ago at the car-pool I caught my son decking the bully, who wasn’t doing anything to him. He said “dad told me it was okay.” I slapped him proudly on the back and took him out for ice cream.)

8. Your knowledge and education is something that nobody can take away from you.

Unless you do something stupid with your intense smarts and commit some white-collar crime that puts you in prison. Then, your self-defense skills might rank higher than your education.

9. Treat women kindly. Forever is a long time to live alone and it’s even longer to live with somebody who hates your guts.

Take a look at your father, banished to his “man-cave.” Take notes. Learn from it.

10. Take pride in your appearance.

How many times do I have to tell you to comb your hair? And wearing a camouflage top and pants do NOT match. Do you want some hill-jack to mistake you for a deer?

11. Be strong and tender at the same time.

Women dig that sh*t.

12. A woman can do everything that you can do. This includes her having a successful career and you changing diapers at 3 A.M. Mutual respect is the key to a good relationship.

No matter how many times your wife begs you to lactate so you can do the nursing, that likely won’t happen. So at least man up and change the diaper first and volunteer for occasional bottle duty. Do NOT wear one of those hideous booby contraptions like Robert DeNiro did in Meet the Fockers. Mom still gets the willies from that scene.

13. “Yes ma’am” and “yes sir” still go a long way.

I know it pains you to say it. Do it anyway.

14. The reason that they’re called “private parts” is because they’re “private”. Please do not scratch them in public.

That’s what you’ve got a bedroom, bathroom, dorm room or man cave for. Pay no attention to your father assuming the Al Bundy “Married with Children” pose.

15. Peer pressure is a scary thing. Be a good leader and others will follow.

Let your friends jump off the cliff first. Use restraint and avoid doing so yourself. If you can’t resist, you can at least use their battered body to buffer your fall.

16. Bringing her flowers for no reason is always a good idea.

Or chocolates. Or a diamond. Reasons are good, too. Remember in college your Aunt Jill dumped your Uncle Tom when he “forgot” Valentine’s Day. You’re lucky your cousins even exist.

17. It is better to be kind than to be right.

Unless it’s a family matter. Then it’s better to be right and definitely get the last word in.

18. A sense of humor goes a long way in the healing process.

Why do you think your mother has been laughing herself silly since she got married and had you? Oh…and drinking red wine somewhat excessively.

19. Please choose your spouse wisely. My daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper for me spending time with you and my grandchildren.

If I don’t like her, it’s finished. Oh yeah: “I’ve got the power!” and “It’s getting kinda hectic…”

20. Remember to call your mother because I might be missing you.

But not just at some un-Godly hour of the morning and when you need money. The bank of O’Brien assumes normal banking hours and may charge interest.

Mine. Getting bigger and bigger.