Ask Amy

Impractical Advice for Practical Parenting Problems

Ask me your parenting questions here with a reply or comment. You may not like what I have to say. My answers will not be “warm & fuzzy.” I will most likely respond in a Bill Cosby or Dennis Leary – like fashion. Somebody please throw me a bone or something…


34 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Worried
    Jan 19, 2012 @ 15:36:56

    Dear Amy,
    My 8 year old still picks his nose. What should I do?

    ” Worried”


    • Mom2MandN
      Jan 20, 2012 @ 15:17:50

      Dear Worried,

      Thanks for breaking the ice here. First, I need a little bit more information from you:

      1) What does your son do with the boogers?
      If they are ending up in little dried masses on his clothes, or festooned to your once good family furniture like white-on-rice: That is completely unacceptable. And downright gross. Boogers have a great paste-like consistency, and much like paste, over time boogers harden. So my suggestion to you would be to find a small air-tight container to have him store the boogers in. Then when your other children at-this-very-minute “just HAVE to” do an art project — and of course the only glue stick you can find has been annihilated by the same children — you can break the seal on the booger container for this purpose. Call it art imitating life.

      2) Is he, by chance, eating the boogers?
      If so, and if they are of a clear or yellow consistency, don’t worry: They will come back out next time your child barfs unexpectedly and in the middle of your cooking dinner. Then they will make a proper exit into your toilet or leave a stain on your nice rug for years of enjoyment. Again art imitating life, you might say.
      However, if they are green boogers, just let your son eat them. Perhaps he was recently outside inhaling freshly mowed grass. Then you might be able to say your child actually ate something green. Perhaps not as healthy as in it’s original state, but yes, still green, and of a partially vegetative quality.

      Finally, if you truly want the offensive behavior to stop, make sure your husband or significant other isn’t picking HIS nose in front of your son. I think we all know children are wonderfully adept at imitating bad behavior…

      Dear Amy


  2. Jenny Whitehead
    Jan 21, 2012 @ 19:29:32

    Dear Amy, Do you have any suggestions to help keep my daughters hands OUT of her mouth. She bites her fingernails! I am about to give her duct tape mittens!!


  3. Mom2MandN
    Jan 22, 2012 @ 14:18:55

    Dear Jenny,

    Of course I have suggestions for you. Dear Amy accepts all challenges.

    Your first step is to get a small bottle of antibacterial hand sanitizer that all the “uber-moms” carry around in their purses, diaper bags and what-not. Empty the bottle of it’s contents and replace the hand gel with chloroform. The next time your daughter is making a meal of her digits, say: “Geez, sweetheart, if you’re going to lick your fingers let’s at least make sure we’ve removed yesterday’s boogers, dog hair, and semi-dried fruit snacks.” Apply the “hand sanitizer.” Not only will your daughter pass out before she can bite her nails, but you may also finally succeed in getting her to nap.

    This solution works especially well at playgroups. You will reap the following benefits by applying the “hand gel” right after suggesting your daughter needs to rest:

    1) Your peers will marvel that you, too, are an “uber-mom” that is never without her arsenal of napkins, wet wipes and antibacterial creams necessary for raising children in today’s messy, germ-y. cootie-filled world.
    2) Your peers will demand to know why your daughter will actually listen to you and “rest” on command. Shrug your shoulders, say something about your extraordinary parenting skills, and remember never to reveal trade secrets.
    3) Once your daughter is “asleep” (passed out), you might actually have time to talk to your fellow mommies instead of running around keeping your precious wee-one out of the mud, away from any lurking perverts, and free from girl fights (“It’s MY doll!) with her friends.

    If you are not comfortable drugging your daughter, Dear Amy’s only advice would be to tie her hands behind her back. Use this technique only in the privacy of your own home, or make sure you are completely off the radar of any child protective workers or righteous mommies who might report you to some other useless and intrusive authority.

    Dear Amy


  4. Dawn J.
    Jan 23, 2012 @ 13:54:05

    My daughter is 3 and STILL doesn’t sleep through the night. She is up at least 2 times a night with every excuse in the book, “I need to potty”, “I need a drink”, “I’m scared of the shadow”, and even, “I don’t know how to sleep”. What should I do??

    ~ Fatigued in Fort Wayne


  5. Mom2MandN
    Jan 24, 2012 @ 23:54:03

    Dear Fatigued in Fort Wayne,

    First, Dear Amy would like to assure you that you are not alone. Please visit or your closest non-friendly, neighborhood “bookwhore” (a.k.a. bookstore) and purchase a copy of “Go the F**k to Sleep” by Adam Mansbach and Ricardo Cortés. To scare your child into sleeping, invite Samuel L. Jackson over to narrate the book.

    Now, if you can’t afford Mr. Jackson’s services, consider locking your bedroom door. Sounds heartless? Think of your bedroom more as a panic room: As your daughter is screaming outside the door, banging it with her fists, the safety of the lock should let you know you can rest easy and stop yourself from becoming the “panicked mom” that gives her daughter a good wallop and eats Valium for breakfast.

    Another option would be gating or locking your daughter in HER room. I know you must have concerns about her fulfilling her basic nightly needs. The obvious solution would be a CD player in her room with soothing music (or “Go the F**k to Sleep” narrated by our friend, Mr. Jackson), a bed pan, a catheter, and an IV drip of her favorite juice box. I have some good medical connections: I can hook you up with the necessary supplies.

    Finally, if you really want her to SLEEP… well… I think you know how Dear Amy feels about chloroform.

    Best of luck,
    Dear Amy


  6. Casey
    Jan 29, 2012 @ 20:14:44

    Dear Amy,

    I am in desperate need of your best potty training tips for my 2 1/2 year old daughter.


    • Mom2MandN
      Jan 30, 2012 @ 22:44:53

      Dear Casey,

      Dear Amy would first like to say kudos to your husband for sharing an “X” chromosome for your offspring. If you had said you wanted to potty train a 2 1/2 year old child with a penis I was going to call you up, laugh hysterically, and hum the theme to Mission Impossible.

      Potty training really, really sucks. So my advice to you is NOT to do it. Plenty of moms in the know leave the dirty work to others: Send her to potty training school. Check out and leave the dirty work to other suckers who enjoy cleaning up feces-covered underwear. Children’s Hospital Boston also has a well-reputed Toilet Training School. Take a family vacation to Boston, check out the Red Sox and some good chowda, and ship your daughter off to shit school while you take in the sights.

      Now if you really feel some sick maternal urge to do this yourself, Dear Amy will give you a couple pearls of wisdom. First of all, do your neighbors a favor and wait ’til the spring. Then you can just let your toddler out the back door, in the buff, to provide organic fertilizer and hours of entertainment for those watching. Secondly, make sure the poop fairy visits and take away all those money-draining diapers and pull-ups. She will never go in that weird-looking, loud, porcelain flushing machine when she can just sit comfortably in her junk and call out “mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy, now, momma, hey you!” Finally, you’ll need to make her feel like she needs to go all the time for the most optimal results. See my earlier advice to “Fatigued” about a juice box IV drip. Be sure to ramp up on the fiber, too.

      By all means, make sure you have a lot of public outings planned while you are training. Again, consider the entertainment factor when she pees at the fast food playland and it runs all down the playtunnels and onto the other sock-covered children. And by all means, call me when it’s over. The only good part of potty training is the “thank God I’m done” party with several bottles of wine and other potty-weary moms.

      Good luck,
      Dear Amy


  7. Jenn
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 16:39:31

    Dear Amy,

    My lovely son, has a problem keeping his clothes on. We’re not just talking about at home we’re talking school, and public. We’ve tried everything and the only thing that seems to work is footie pjs. He just turned 3 and I know he can’t live the rest of his life in footie pjs, what should we do?


  8. Mom2MandN
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 09:49:12

    Dear Jenn,

    As Dear Amy’s response will necessitate pictures (which this page can’t accomodate), I will be responding to your inquiry on the main home page of my blog. Be patient and stay tuned: Comic relief is headed your way…

    Dear Amy


  9. ClaireElaine
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 10:02:52

    I could desperately use some advice on potty training four year olds. He was dry for a week straight. Then it was like he said to himself, “Okay, I can do this. It’s just not worth my time.” Thoughts?


    • Mom2MandN
      Feb 26, 2012 @ 12:18:08

      Dear ClaireElaine,

      Dear Amy stands by her January advice to Casey: Ship him off to potty training school at Children’s Hospital Boston. You and Casey could meet up and trade potty horror stories over some chowda, followed by a reality-type souvenir mugging on Boston’s southside.

      If you are a glutton for punishment or just can’t afford New England’s exorbitant prices, by all means throw out those God forsaken pull-ups. Of course he’s too lazy to bother with the toilet: No kid can tell their wet when they’re sitting in a uber-diaper. Those things actually make it feel GOOD to sit in your own piss. As a matter of fact, pull-ups feel so comfortable wet that I myself am looking forward to the day when I too will be rocking some Depends, as is inevitable after propelling two boys out of my vagina and chasing after them for 18 years straight. Oh yeah.

      Oh… and Dear Amy also stands by her earlier advice of assigning him his own spot in the backyard for all things brown (or the inevitable “rainbow of colors,” depending on what you’re feeding him). Considering that the U.S. taints everything with pesticides (or ships it in with a fine lead-coating from China), there is definitely a market for organic fertilizer in this country. Think of it as a money-making opportunity on the side. But don’t be surprised if your neighbors no longer like you. Or move away. It’s the price you might have to pay as a small business owner…

      As always, good luck,
      Dear Amy


      • ClaireElaine
        Feb 28, 2012 @ 16:30:06

        Thank you for answering my question. At least you can make me laugh during this terrible time! There are no more pull-ups in our house, and diapers are just for nighttime. I love the idea of a special spot in the yard for business. Maybe we’ll garner some interest that way! Or, if it’s cold and wet enough, we’ll get him to prefer the throne!

        Thanks again!

  10. Becky
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 13:12:16

    Dear Amy,
    I have a nearly 3-year-old daughter that has a severe case of diarrhea of the mouth. She never stops talking. She has no brain-to-mouth filter (I really have no idea who she has gotten that from) and on multiple occasions has informed entirely full public restrooms of my private business such as how much or how large the poop is in the toilet or comments that occupants of other stalls have very loud (or smelly) gas. On most days I feel like my ears are bleeding. We have asked, bribed, dared her to play the “quiet game for 2 minutes” and she can only last 7 seconds. Not only is the talking a constant thing but she speaks very loudly as if she is trying to get a non-English speaking person to understand what she is saying. Her constant yammering on and on has me reaching for the Xanax earlier and earlier each day. What should I do?
    Going Deaf and Insane


  11. Mom2MandN
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 15:49:55

    Dear Going Deaf and Insane,

    This is a difficult one for Dear Amy, as I personally also suffer from diarrhea of the mouth. In addition, it’s been brought to my occasion on numerous occasions that that the filter between my vault and my mouth is all but gone after a few drinks.

    That being said, I do have a suggestion for you: Gobstoppers. Not just any gobstopper, mind you, but the absolute biggest one you can find. The idea would be that the gobstopper is practically as large as her mouth and prohibits her from blabbing your family unmentionables. (No small gobstoppers: Dear Amy does NOT advocate silence by choking.) Be sure to carry a stash of gobstoppers with you at all times and relinquish one whenever you feel her silence will be golden. You might even try one of those Everlasting Gobstoppers from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: I hear you can buy them off E-bay for a quasi-affordable price. Just make sure you haven’t bought a used one: Diarrhea of the mouth is contagious and could be passed on from the last gob-sucker. And also make sure you don’t buy that one that turns your daughter into a gigantor blueberry that the Oompa Loompas have to roll away and stick in the juicer. Or was that the gum?

    In addition to the gobstoppers, Dear Amy heartily recommends that you never let your daughter brush her teeth again. After a gazillion and one gobstoppers without any tooth-brushing, you can rest assured your daughter’s teeth will eventually fall out. This way, if for some reason the gobstoppers cease to function as they should, the lack of teeth will also prohibit diarrhea of the mouth. After her teeth are gone be sure to continue to bring her to playgroups. When the other curious toddlers ask what happened to your daughter’s teeth, make sure you mention that she failed to stop talking so you “knocked her teeth out.” One of 3 things will probably happen:

    1) You will be reported to Children’s Services. That could be bad…
    2) All the other kids, scared to death of such a consequence, will cease their diarrhea of the mouth, and you’ll be the most popular mom on the block.
    3) You’ll be nominated as the next “Super Nanny.” If that happens, I expect a finder’s fee.

    Hope it works out for you,
    Dear Amy


  12. Dawn J.
    Mar 01, 2012 @ 22:01:40

    Dear Amy,
    My 18 month old son likes to hit himself in the face or hit his head/face against the floor, table, wall, etc. when he gets into trouble or is mad. Is this normal?? How should I deal with this, if at all?
    ~ worried about my walls


  13. Mom2MandN
    Mar 03, 2012 @ 13:54:04

    Dear Worried About My Walls,

    Well… if you told me your 18-year-old was hitting himself in his face, I’d probably give you the phone number for a good shrink and advise you to buy some serious stock in Pfizer or Eli Lilly. An 18-month-old is a little different. As a matter of fact, I believe when Nate was this age he did the same. I read in some obscure, barely known and barely credible parenting magazine that it was a sign of intelligence, so personally I smiled to myself and let it pass…

    That being said, I could see where you might be concerned about your walls and family heirlooms, so here as some things I might suggest:

    1) Buy the kid some boxing gloves and protective head gear. He may be on his way to the next Evander Holyfield. Just be sure the helmet covers his ears. There are too many crazy toddlers out there who might “think like Mike.”
    2) Attach a hammer to his nose and forehead. Then instead of hitting tables or floors, direct him to all those nails that need hammered back in that you asked your husband to do a year ago. I hate to be blasphemous but it may even become a religious experience for him. JC was a carpenter, after all.
    3) Choose a small room or closet, completely pad the room from top to bottom with inflatables, and put him in there. In no way am I suggesting this is a padded cell. What I AM suggesting is inviting a friend or two over for a play-date in your very own bounce house. Costs a lot less than renting one or going to the Bounce House, with the added bonus of taking a nap on site on his very own air mattress.
    4) For Pete’s sake, stop making the kid mad! Perhaps he wouldn’t get in trouble, either, if you would stop parenting. More fun for him: Easier for you in the short-run.

    Last but not least, you could just join him. There’s still a lot of metal heads out there: You two could have your very own Head-Bangers’ Ball. Talk about a bonding experience…

    That’s about all I can manage today. Suddenly my head has started to hurt.

    Keep your head up,
    Dear Amy


  14. Jennifer Vargas
    Mar 05, 2012 @ 13:00:08

    Dear Amy,
    Husbands are like big children so how the heck do we get them to aim in the toilet bowl not the floor in the bathroom and how do we get them to pick up after themselves. i am really at a loss here. I was giving him M&M’s for each time he did something right but he is diabetic and he should not have chocolate. any help would be great.


  15. Mom2MandN
    Mar 06, 2012 @ 18:28:55

    Dear Jennifer,

    Dear Amy has really developed a liking for photo montage answers. Look for my witty advice coming soon on the main page of my blog.

    As always,
    Dear Amy


  16. Trish
    Mar 06, 2012 @ 20:43:16

    Dear Amy,

    I know you have 2 boys but I am hoping you can help me with a problem I am having with my daughter. She loves to wear dresses and skirts. The problem I have, is that she refuses to wear leggings or tights and it is winter. I am tired of fighting with her every morning! Do I let he go around in the winter with bare legs and the wind blowing up her dress or do I battle her every morning?

    Chilly Mama


    • Mom2MandN
      Mar 09, 2012 @ 08:39:58

      Dear Chilly Mama,

      Dear Amy has been pondering this. And pondering. And pondering. Alas it is almost the end of winter and I’m still pondering. I can think of no sarcastic answer. I must admit I have failed you. Take away my salary of zip, zero, nada. Perhaps it is my own lack of little daughters. Perhaps it’s that I never was a “girly girl” myself. Either way, Dear Amy just can’t fathom why any toddler would choose freezing legs over the comforts of tights or pants. Hmpf.

      Dear Amy would like to forewarn you that you are in a heap of trouble here. You’ve got a strong-willed child: D-A-N-G-E-R! The next thing you know she’ll be the next Carrie Bradshaw, wearing open-toed Christian Louboutins in the middle of winter, and an ugly tutu dress, too. You need to reel this child in while you still can…

      Dear Amy, facing panic on National Panic Day since she is suffering from a sheer lack of wittiness, is opening it up to her group of small but loyal followers. Can anyone help Chilly Mama? I am happy to publish any worthless and comedic answer that you can throw at us. We’re all waiting…

      Deepest sympathies,

      Dear Amy


  17. Diane
    Mar 09, 2012 @ 17:15:16

    Not sure how old this little girl is….some toddlers just love to lift their dresses and show off their panties! (Well, I guess not just toddlers, but I’m not going there.) Would she like to wear her panties OVER her leggins?
    Perhaps if her legs freeze enough times, it will stunt her hair follicles and she will not have the burden of shaving her legs when she gets older. She may be smarter than you think!
    As long as she’s not getting frost bite from playing in the snow bare legged, I say leave her alone. She’ll cover up when she gets cold…

    Editor’s Note: Thanks for the help Diane. Really like the part about the hair follicles freezing!


  18. My Three Sons
    Apr 13, 2012 @ 11:19:01

    Today’s question comes in a roundabout means from my sister-in-law, who posted it on Facebook a month or so ago:
    “Dear wise one (Thanks. I know I am. 😉 ),
    Why does my son expect congratulations, hugs and kisses for doing the complete opposite of what is asked? (i.e.) “Hey Tommy, would you bring Charlie’s pluggy over here?” “Yes!” as he runs away with it to toss in the toy box…Then comes running over to me yelling “High five!”?


    • Mom2MandN
      Apr 15, 2012 @ 21:09:44

      Dear My Three Sons,

      The obvious answer to your question would be that your child(ren) has spent too much time with his devilish cousins up north. Perhaps you should limit visits to the weeks that you want your boys to misbehave with reckless abandon and eschew loads of potty words in front of perfect strangers.

      The less obvious answer is that your child is caught in a vicious cycle of negative reinforcement. Having learned that displeasing mommy also gets mommy’s attention, he may now be negative-attention-seeking 95% of the time. Don’t worry… we’ve all been there.

      Good mommies break this cycle by praising their children for the positive things they do more often. However, I said good and if you wanted good advice from a good mommy, you would never have written Ask Amy. Instead, I have provided you with some less-than-stellar advice on how you can comfortably praise your son even when he does bad things. Follow my lead:

      “Oh Tommy! What a beautiful drawing on the carpet! I’m so impressed! Let’s be sure to leave it for when daddy gets home: I’m sure he will want to see (read: “clean”) it.”

      “Thank you so much for throwing your food on the floor, Tommy. Mommy’s so exhausted I’m not sure I remembered to feed the cat this week…”

      “Tommy, that was very, very smart to bite Robert on the back. That will save us some money on dental impressions when it’s time to get you $6,000 braces.”

      “Tommy, did you put mommy’s watch in the toilet? How did you know I’ve been dying to go the jewelry store, you sweet little boy?”

      And last but not least, following your example. “Wow honey! Did you see Tommy pitch Charlie’s pluggy? With a curve ball that good, he may be able to support the whole family after a few years of practice in Indiana penal!”

      Always happy to help a family member,
      Dear Amy


  19. Dawn J.
    May 09, 2012 @ 08:57:38

    Dear Amy,
    My 3 1/2 year old daughter smells her hand/fingers after touching almost anything; scratching her butt, touching an animal, playing in the dirt, etc. statistics show that there are more poop particles on a remote control than a toilet seat. I don’t want to stifle her exploration of the world around her but I don’t want her to get poop particles (and other odd things) in her nose either. Other than bleaching the house or putting plastic bags over her hands do you have any other suggestions?
    Something Smells Funny


  20. Mom2MandN
    May 16, 2012 @ 16:06:17

    Dear Something Smells Funny,

    There are 3 means to attack this odiferous subject. You must either deal with your daughter’s hands, her sense of smell, or her environment.

    I shall begin with your daughter’s hands, as these are the least invasive measures. If you want your daughter to stop snorting her fingers, make sure they already stink something wretched. Here are a few rubs I would try:
    1) Ode to garlic – Accomplished by pouring juice from store-bought minced garlic all over the hands. This has the added benefit of warding off vampires should she come across one.
    2) Ode to vegetable – Take some brussel sprouts, spinach, squash, or other vegetable your child makes a face at. Mash this into a fine puree and apply to the fingertips. This has an added benefit of making a great face mask for mom with the addition of a little honey and lavender. (Avoid onion or you might both be crying)
    3) Ode to man – Open your husband’s hamper and rub some dirty, sweaty socks or boxer briefs up and down the arms. Also look for discarded towels from working out or cutting the grass. There are no added benefits I’m aware of for smelling like a dirty old man.

    You might also find that your daughter stops her frequent sniffings if she loses her sense of smell. But instead of loading her down with enough germs to cause a year-long cold, I am simply suggesting you take her to a very progressive hospital and have her olfactory canals cauterized or removed. As an added benefit, you may find that she’ll start eating her lima beans, broccoli, grapefruit or other foods she might have previously avoided. Why not.. what’s the difference when everything tastes like cardboard?

    Finally, perhaps the most invasive solution is to limit her contact with the outside world and, therefore, smelly things. It’s do-able and may even set some sort of record: I believe the world has already had a bubble-boy, but to my honest recollection there has never been a bubble-girl. No time like the present.

    Let me know what you decide,
    Dear Amy


  21. Dawn J.
    Aug 12, 2012 @ 11:14:06

    Dear Amy,
    My almost 4 year old daughter gets so wrapped up in what’s going on around her that she doesn’t want to take the time to go to the bathroom. Even when I notice her squirming and ask her if she needs to potty, she says, “no”. A few minutes later she will come to me and tell me she peed in her pants a little. I’ve tried punishing her with losing privileges and even rewarding her with her picking out new panties if she goes a few days without dribbling. Nothing seems to work. What to do??
    Running out of panties

    P.S. the “Ode to Man” worked.


  22. Mom2MandN
    Sep 08, 2012 @ 23:53:50

    Dear Running Out of Panties,

    It’s wrong to pee your pants “a little?” Oh… at age four I guess so. Personally, once you’ve rocketed a few babies out your vagina, dry panty days are over. Ooops.

    Hmmmm. Well, I’m not sure you need to punish her because the dribble fairy visits every day. Then again, if you reward her for lack of dribblage you may well find you’ll be buying out Wal-Mart’s supply faster than they can hire 80-year-olds to restock them.

    The truth of the matter is that humiliation is a far more effective way to not only get your child to obey, but also to scar them for years to come. Might be worth consideration. Here are a couple suggestions:

    1) Bells & whistles: I’ve got a nephew who was just a notorious bed-wetter. His mother was pretty confident he was lying awake in bed just thinking “let’s see how many times I can make my mother change the sheets tonight.” Enter piss. Eventually she bought once of those obnoxious bed alarms that goes off the minute the dribble hits the sheets. Wakes the kid up so fast he can’t help but continue peeing. Surely you can find one of these alarms and attach it to your daughter’s underwear? Once her pants ring, ring, ring, she’ll know she needs to make her bladder sing. Make sure she wears those to preschool and any and all play dates.

    2) The potty dance: This advice is almost so practical Dear Amy is ashamed to give it. Children are mortified when their parents mimic their behavior. Seriously. So when she starts “her squirming” you need to have at it with your own wiggle dance. Grab your nether region and pirouette right back at her. You’ll look so ridiculous she’ll be mortified and run screaming for the potty. Be sure you keep this up whenever she has friends over. Or better yet: dates. Sure she may stop talking to you at a rather young age, but perhaps her mother’s comic antics we’ll keep her from getting pregnant. At least before she moves out.

    3) Go panty-less. Not you… her. Underwear can be so restraining. Even for little kids. Have you ever seen the wedgies some toddlers get without even noticing? Put too many oblivious preschoolers in a room and it’s almost as bad as a “People of Wal-Mart” video. Shudder. Just let her go without panties. It may be far more effective if the dribble runs down her leg. Again, it could have her screaming for the potty lickety-quick (and for your sake hopefully not grabbing the closest hand towel).

    Hope one of these three options works for you. When you lose your mother of the year award, remember you didn’t hear any of this from me. 😉

    Dear Amy


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    Sep 14, 2014 @ 08:03:33

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  24. Mom2MandN
    Jun 03, 2015 @ 15:30:09

    Yes… yes…yes already! It know it has been F-O-R-E-V-E-R since you’ve read some advice from Dear Amy. Know why? Well I assume it’s because you all caught on that Dear Amy gives crapassery advice. Yes? No? Who gives a s*it. I am here today because I, Dear Amy the sorcerer of sarcasm, needs some advice of her own. Desperately. Now. Help. Help. HELP: My two-year-old sassy-pants is fiercely and desperately trying to drop her nap, and I am NOT. READY. YET. Nope with a capital “N.” I will publish the most sarcastic, wittiest advice I get here on my blog. And if you have something else to say (a.k.a. “real” advice), well I guess I’ll take that, too, in my Facebook comments. Old and tired Amy needs all the help she can get…!

    Pulling the grey hairs out of my scalp,
    Dear Amy


    • Mom2MandN
      Jun 04, 2015 @ 07:23:15

      Winners of the wittiest advice on how to get my two-year-old to nap already (It’s a tie!):

      Nicole Jensen-Mix – Slip a little whisky in her sippy cup. Knock her right out.
      Jayme Rock-Willoughby – Benadryl 😉


    • niki
      Jun 06, 2015 @ 15:32:39

      Yes…… It’s because the boys are out of school….When were all home we pretend to go take a nap until we get Kam to her room. Then we go about our day. So far it’s worked. She doesn’t think she’s missing anything…..goodluck!!!


  25. joy
    Jun 03, 2015 @ 16:49:18

    Dear Amy: we recently welcomed a newborn into our family. Our 4.5 year old doesn’t quite grasp 1)she’s no longer an only child 2)babies are delicate. We read books about siblings before his arrival. Even went to ‘sibling school’. But like her father, has selective memory. I take some blame-she was firstborn & only for a long time. We created a high maintenance monster. How do we reprogram? For my sanity & safety of her sibling.
    —sincerely, sibling referee


    • Mom2MandN
      Jun 07, 2015 @ 09:26:45

      Dear Joy,

      I sincerely regret to inform you there is no such thing as reprogramming. If there were, all those women out there would simply reprogram their husbands instead of reading 50 Shades far too many times or making a high-speed trip to Reno to kick them to the curb. Can you imagine? Please keep me updated if you hear of this marvelous invention coming to fruition!!!

      That being said, when my youngest son was acting like a high-maintenance baby the only thing I could think of to cure him of such despicable behavior was to make him a younger sibling. I see you’ve already gone that route without any more success than yours truly. So when reprogramming and re-procreating don’t work, I typically choose to deal with my monsters by lock-gating them into their rooms. With a bucket in the corner. And some chicken nuggets slid under the gate 2-3 times per day. While you’re at it, be sure to tell her that the police are coming to see how spoiled she’s being. Then be sure to invite Child Protective Services over to check-out the little arrangement you’ve got going on in her bedroom. (But be sure to hide your baby first.)

      As far as the delicacy thing goes… that is a tough one. Has she seen Toy Story? Remember the neighbor kid Sid who blew up his toys? You need to do the same whenever she’s too tough on her little brother. Hell… your husband might even have a lot of fun with this one. Every time she pinches her brother, make sure she’s watching when your husband grabs her favorite doll and rips off a limb or two. Or sets it on fire. Maybe drowns it in the kiddie pool. If you have any people you’re mad at he could voodoo her favorite dollie and perhaps get a two-for-one! When you’ve finished all sorts of medieval toy torture, be sure to send her back to her cell… er… room… without the afternoon’s nugget rations.

      Dear Amy would like to point out she’s tried all these pearls of wisdom on her own children with zero success, so be sure to let me know if it works out for you. I’ll have to update my advice to something more useless.

      Parenting sucks,
      Dear Amy


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