Baby P

OMFG

I’m back from a long hiatus on my blog: finally had something to write about. For those of you who haven’t heard, earlier this summer I both: A) forgave Denny for six months of grievances, and B) read the 50 Shades of Grey series at the same time. So guess what? Yeah… that’s right!

So not only is the stork coming, but yesterday, sitting in The Outback restaurant, the four current O’Briens learned the unthinkable. Matt tore open the envelope and Nate read the news out loud. Matt, whose pronunciation we are still working on, screamed excitedly “It’s a gril” (Georgette Foreman), while I’m sure Nate silently wondered if this meant he could still beat-up on his baby sibling. Meanwhile, while Denny’s dreams of having a daddy’s girl were starting to come to fruition, all the color was quickly draining from my face.

Why, you ask? I’ll explain why, starting with the obvious.

1) Baby P – The “P” stands for two things. 1) Her first name, while not 100% decided, will probably begin with a “P.” The “P” also stands for a lack of penis, which I don’t know how to take care of. This is foreign territory. I don’t even think Nate & Matt know what a vagina is. Guess they’ll learn. This is probably because I had to cut-back with my wine-ing once knocked up. If I had continued with my beloved Shiraz and Cabernets, surely a penis would have grown.

2) Birthing – I was thinking of going sans epidural for this one, you know: a la natural. Not so sure now. Why? Because I’m sure Baby P will hurt me. I know this, because my own mother has not stopped talking about the pain I caused her for the last thirty-nine years. She also likes to sprout lies about how I made her miss her soap opera, even though I was born on a Sunday, but that is another story…

3) Sleeping – We were hoping Nate & Matt would start sharing a room this summer. But after the announcement Nate also announced that he wanted to sleep in his current room and current bed until the day he dies. I can’t tell you how wrong this is on so many levels. I can also tell you that Baby P is probably going to be parked somewhat temporarily in our large walk-in closet. Don’t call CPS: It’s bigger than any dorm room I ever had, and the carpeting is already a convenient cream spit-up color.

4) Mother-in-law – So this makes only the 2nd girl out of ten grandchildren for my MIL. That means the odds are still good she might try to move in with us. I like her and all, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want her to move in any more than I want to live with my own mom.

5) Wiping– So this means I have to wipe after the pee, too. Time to buy stock in a wipes company. I’m not thrilled about the new poop technique, either. With the boys, I would just push the foul-smelling crap up under their nuts and then kind of grab the poop in one big round clump. Guess that’s not going to work for my little nut-less wonder.

I love this pic!

6) Potty-training– Okay, so I’m thrilled this one might actually be potty-trained before the boys’ mutual three-and-a-half years. But let’s face it, I’ve gotten really used to the ever-present yellow-ring around the base of the toilet. It’s how I always know my boys are not dehydrated, and have aim as bad as their father’s. And I’m sure she’s going to try and do it standing up, too.

7) Clothing – It’s a lot easier to make sure boys match: There are barely any clothes in the store for them. Girls are another story: Three times the amount of clothing racks. I don’t know how to buy pink. I don’t know how to buy tutus. I don’t know how to buy hair accessories. Oh and now I can’t pass down the boys’ hideously over-priced school uniforms. This child is destined for public school.

8) Shopping – It naturally follows clothing. Help. I hate shopping. Haven’t liked it since junior high when my own mom stopped doing it for me. You know why? Because I am five feet tall and wear size 5 1/2 shoes: Absolutely nothing fits me. This child will have my genes, so she’ll likely have the same problem. And she might like shopping, too. Crap. I’m already worried about prom season — where most of the dresses look like bikinis with one small scrap of extra material — and she hasn’t even been born yet.

9) Dating – Naturally follows the prom discussion. This child will not date. I know the evils of boys: I have two. I am already pushing forty: I do not want to raise my daughter’s baby, nor do I want to stick her on birth control at God-knows-what-age all the kids are experimenting now. When I was young we played spin the bottle or two minutes in the closet. Now they have sex parties. Perhaps I won’t let her leave the house. If I’m lucky she’ll be a lesbian and then I will only have to pay for a commitment ceremony and not a $100+ per head wedding. On a positive note, now that we know it’s a girl, Denny’s talking about getting a shotgun BEFORE 12/21/12 (we were planning to temporarily borrow one), so we can mount it on the mantel along with her boyfriend’s stuffed heads if we survive the apocalypse.

And let’s face it, this has got to be mentioned:

10) New princess – I’m being de-throned, and I’m the queen of this house. OMFG.
Don’t get me wrong. We are all elated: Really we are. It’s just going to take some getting used to. And some more wine: P needs to be born soon so I can get back on the sauce. I’m going to need it!

More appropriately titled: “Having a girl for dummies.”

 

Lilypie - (v0uy)

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Becky
    Nov 27, 2012 @ 12:38:12

    Love it!!!

    Reply

  2. Peggy
    Nov 27, 2012 @ 15:41:11

    I thought Baby P stood for Peggy! You did not cause me pain–well maybe a little since “I” had natural childbirth. Anyway, never fear cause Mom is near. I kept notes on you so of course I know “everything” as usual!!!!

    Reply

    • Mom2MandN
      Nov 27, 2012 @ 18:01:11

      Great. (Note sarcasm). Judging from the ultrasound, Baby P also has the Howard thunder-thighs. Yet another name-calling tradition I can pass on…

      Reply

  3. Mom2MandN
    Dec 05, 2012 @ 23:39:17

    I’m so glad Baby P won’t tolerate coffee most mornings. It means I have to get my morning caffeine from a large, steaming mug of hot chocolate.

    Reply

  4. Mom2MandN
    Dec 29, 2012 @ 18:33:03

    You know when your kid sitting behind the driver’s seat annoyingly sticks both feet out and planks as hard as he can on the back of your seat? That’s what Baby P has been doing to my abdomen as of late…

    Reply

  5. Mom2MandN
    Mar 03, 2013 @ 15:27:03

    Two wonderful friends threw Baby P the most amazing baby shower, and some great ladies attended. She got some of the cutest outfits, toys and gizmos, personalized and hand-made stuff. I feel so blessed. Now all I need are some volunteer diaper changers and babysitters and I’m all set!

    Reply

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