Intergalactic Parenting

We have owned the book, Darth Vader and Son, by Jeffrey Brown, for quite some time now. Pretty sure it was a gift for the hubs from some other poor sap of a dad in the know. Not sure why it took a frigid, cold, boring weekend for me to finally glance through it: Maybe because it’s Vader and Son instead of Padme and the Padawans. At any rate, once I finally perused of the pictures, a couple of them almost made me wet my pants. See, if Vader raised Luke, it would actually be quiet similar to my trials and tribulations in raising Nate-O, Mattie Monster and Sweet Pea. Parenting is parenting, whether it’s the 21st century here on Earth, or Yoda only knows what century on the Death Star. Here are some examples — cartoons by Mr. Brown, captions mine — of the common threads in the space-time continuum.

One ruler's trash is a kid's forbidden and filthy treasure.

One ruler’s trash is a kid’s forbidden and filthy treasure.

It takes the power of the Dark Side to potty-train the pee-filled padawans.

It takes the power of the Dark Side to potty-train the pee-filled padawans.

Tossing the toys in the Sarlac pit is preferable to the inefficient time-out tantrum.

Tossing the toys in the Sarlac pit is preferable to the inefficient time-out tantrum.

Choose your battles: The younglings have the power of the dark "why."

Choose your battles: The younglings have the power of the dark “why.”

Whatever they need to show you or tell you cannot wait til you come out of the powder room.

Whatever they need to tell you cannot possibly wait til you come out of the powder room, so ALWAYS have your game face on.

The Force and The Dark Side are no match for the power of The Snack: It always seals the deal.

The Force and The Dark Side are no match for The Snack: It always seals the deal.

Even ousted Jedi Masters consider leaving them by the side of the orbit.

Even ousted Jedi Masters consider leaving them by the side of the orbit.

...And most importantly, never, NEVER wait on the vadectomy.

…And most importantly, never, NEVER wait on the vadectomy.

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“I’ve got a poopy diaper”

"Get a whiff of this, ma!"

"Come back and change me!"

Thank God my children are out of this phase. But in listening to my beloved Adam Levine I was so inspired to write this (not sure he’d appreciate it). You should know when I was younger I always envisioned myself as a female Weird Al Yankovic. But alas, I cannot sing, and was also never discovered. But the desire is still there to be a parody pop-star (watch out, “The Voice,” here I come.):

I’VE GOT A POOPY DIAPER (c) 2012
(Sung to the tune of “Moves like Jagger” by Maroon 5)

I run out the door
in my pull-up.
It leaked on the floor…
Please don’t throw-up.
It made a mess…just like the rest…
I must confess…

I pooped in the car:
I won’t hold it.
The toilet is far:
And you know it.
You scream not to go
But here comes the flow
And I run the show.

Now it’s time you know

(chorus)
Take my by the legs
and hold me.
Take a deep breath
don’t scold me.

For a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poo-oo-oo-oo-00-oo-oo-oo-py diaper.

I won’t even try to hold it.
In between my cheeks I’ll mold it.
It’s a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-py diaper.

Just break out the wipes
from that fat bag.
They feel really nice
like a cool rag.
Just wipe away… I don’t want to stay…
I wanna go play..

You wanted me trained,
And I hate it.
It gives me no pain…
I won’t fake it.
You say that it’s time…
Have you lost your mind?
‘Cause I like my grime…

Now give me your time

(chorus)
Take my by the legs
and hold me.
Take a deep breath
don’t scold me.

For a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poo-oo-oo-oo-00-oo-oo-oo-py diaper.

I won’t even try to hold it.
In between my cheeks I’ll mold it.
It’s a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-py diaper.

(bridge)
You wanna know, how to make me stop?
Gimme MnM’s, or a lollipop.
But if I share my tinkle…
(More than a sprinkle)
Make your forehead wrinkle…

It’s just poop…It could be worse.
Like the day I barfed, right in your purse.
But if I share my tinkle…
(More than a sprinkle)
Oh your forehead wrinkles (hey, hey, hey, HEY!)

So it goes like this

Take my by the legs (Take me by the legs)
and hold me.
Take a deep breath
don’t scold me. (No, no, NO!)

For a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poo-oo-oo-oo-00-oo-oo-oo-py diaper.
(Oh yeah!)
I won’t even try to hold it.
In between my cheeks I’ll mold it.

It’s a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poopy diaper.
I’ve got a poo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-py diaper.